She eventually got out of bed, her little human is up, saying something that sounds like good morning in baby language, she responded to him with a good morning and he smiled. Oh yes she has to be grateful for him. She gathered the strength to get out of bed the sun was up in the sky and she had just been informed that the taps were open. Good time to clean the compound with the pressure machine, that way she can be productive and still focus on her thoughts. She connected the machine and started cleaning, still feeling quite sore, still broken, how has she managed to unlock the door to all of these emotions?
No actually how did she manage to lock up all of these emotions for months?. Looking back at the early days of her loss, she was constantly told to look out for the baby she was carrying, “cry but dont cry too much, you know your condition and all of this crying is not good for the baby” maybe they were right but nobody considered wether not crying was good for her, and maybe she didn’t too, hence she listened to them, she had to protect her baby. Completely navigated her loss and pain to hopes and patience all in a twinkle of an eye. she didnt know she was a sponge absorbing it all, now she remembers everything, the incidences before, during and after the funeral and she feels enraged, how did she not react like this then, maybe she was protecting her young and she thought her own feelings were no longer valid
But she was wrong, those feelings she neglected are now hunting her, no wonder she feels so broken, no wonder her body feels so sore, she has had to endure too much. She imagined how he would have reacted to all the things that went wrong then, and she knew for a fact that he would have been on her side, always have and always will. Toghether they were a force, it was always them against whoever and maybe it was that knowlege that has kept her going all this while, that knowledge might just have been the source of her strength. That eventhough they fight, he will fight with her against anyone else. But look at her now falling apart and he not here to help. The soreness of her body made her feel frail. How has she neglected herself like this? Now she is Completely falling apart.
Once, after the incident she got so angry that the only thing she could think about was to visit his grave site and ask him some questions? But superstition would not let her, she remembered she was pregnant and she decided against it. She locked herself up and cried all by herself not wanting anyone to see or hear her cry. Look at her now letting up herself cry for the world to see. It high time she did that.
She has managed to endure every stones, stick and glass from the break, she has locked up her wounds and acting like it was alright, look her now wondering what her life has become. Imagine having to deal with the disrespect from people he would normally put in their place, and feeling like they do this now because they think her defence is gone, her tongue is full of bite marks for everytime she bit her lips and held back, she felt she had to keep going but now the day of reckoning is here, and its all comimg back to her.
She finished cleaning the compound, she remembered she had a job to work on but today doesn’t seem like the day for it, this work may be done tomorrow, she is letting hersefl fall apart today. Her feet ache, her whole body is sore maybe she needs to just get back into bed and wallow in her misery. Today she can no longer hold it all together. She is falling apart
She is truly a happy person, when she laughs she does so with all of her heart, she laughs at her own madness, and spent the last several months finding joy in the little things and believe it or not she is truly grateful for her baby, that little boy is everything and more, she wakes up everyday with a heart full of gratitude for him and for all the many many blessings. But today was different, last night instead of counting her blessings, she was counting her losses, and she realised that they were huge losses, how has she managed to endure this all this time, no wonder it feels like things have come crashing up on her. Nemesis have caught up with her. Now she has to pay for neglecting those emotions and she is completely broken, falling and breaking into pieces