Now back in bed, after having breakfast at midday, these emotions are as strong as they were when she woke up. She lied, she couldn’t fall apart in front of people. Out there, eventhough she appeared to be deep in thoughts, no one could tell she was falling apart, she had mastered the art of looking alright even when she is not, and now even though her emotions overwhelm her no one could tell how she truly felt. What a life, wonder where she was taught to hide her vulnerabilities like this. Even in the early days of her grief she spent most of the time hiding her pregnancy and maybe it was because she didnt want to attract pity. She had enough.
Looking back now, maybe that would have prevented a lot of the unnecessary words of consolation. Few days after the loss, she remembered sympathisers would say “dont worry God will bless you with another one” like really? Maybe it came from a good place, maybe NOT. How did they make it sound like she has just lost her mobile phone, or a car, that could just easily be replaced, how did they make it sound like what she lost wasn’t a whole human with unique qualities who has loved and treated her just the way she deserved, but again she wasn’t surprised, these are her people, they can ask the most personal question in the guise of “looking out for you”, people who ask questions like”when are you having children, when are you getting married” shouldn’t surprise her if they tell her, days after she lost her partner that she would get another one soon, but she was just hurt that the world was moving on so soon and they expected her to move along too.
She has had to learn to control her emotions, when she felt like she should just put people in their places, when they ask intrusive questions or make intrusive statements, like when are you going to move on, or move on and be happy. Just like that? How dare they be acting like it was that easy. She believe that society needs to be given a list of questions or statements not to make when a person losses their partner.
Too bad everyone now feels they are responsible to regulate her life and emotions. And for the most part she could never win with them. The statements people jokingly make hurts the deepest part of her. Twenty three months later they may be thinking she has it all figured out but look at her now falling apart and they expect her to move on.
There was a time when she believed she should move on too, there was a time when she actually entertained the idea, but the sooner she thought about it she realised it wasnt going to be easy. Her standards where now wayyyy too. And lord knows she plans to not settle for less than she has been exposed to. So maybe the kind of love she was used to is rare and hard to findand takes time to come across so can only be given to her by herself and she be allowed to give it to herself, can shw be allowed to love herself until someone good enough is available. And this is the right time for her to tell people who tell her to “move on and be happy” That SHE IS HAPPY and will move on only when she is READY. But for now, she would just lay in bed and fall apart all together again.
Her heart is broken into pieces and she is rebuilding, putting the pieces back together, let her fall apart, let her be broken, let her cry and let her take her time to get back on her feet, but when will she do that you say? When she is ready!!!