Her heart feels like a log, she woke up like this. For the first time in several months she spent the night crying, missing him, feeling angry and disappointed at her fate, what life has turned out to become for her, for them. She has been crrying all night, she is confronting her pain, finally she is confronting the actual heartbreak in the loss, you see, this is the thing about sweeping things under the carpet, one way or another you will have to deal with them in the future and there she is finally dealing with her grief, her loss, her pain.
The thing about heartbreak is that you just feel sore, your whole body aches, you dont know the comfortable side to lie on, you know you are hurt, you feel broken but you can’t get hold of the wound, you can’t put medications on it. I guess that’s why its called heartbreak, because no body really knows where it hurts, so they figured out that since the heart is invisible that might be it,, they imagined that the heart is where the love resided and where the loss must be felt too, but why does she like her entire body is sore, what’s happening to the sole of her feet, her they leaving her body? What is all this body ache
She has spent a good deal of the time avoiding this, covering up, acting strong, eventually it was meant to catch up with her, now maybe she will let herself completely fall apart. For the first time in years she doesnt mind to be seen or heard crying, she is not wiping her face or locking the door when someone approaches, she is now completely falling apart, this was long overdue.
Looking at her life, she wondered what would have been if the tables were turn, what if she were the one gone and he had to deal with her loss, oh gush these tears won’t stop falling. She thought about how he was broken at the loss of their first child together, she remembered how kind he was to her and how gentle he was with her, she imagined that he would be right here with her, asking her “why are you crying? Am I a wicked person” each time they had a fight and she cried that would be his question. She wondered why she has not heard him ask her that even though she has been crying for hours. It now broad day light and she is still crying
Good thing the little human they made together is still roaming in dreamland, she imagined how he would have been with him and she cried some more, why does she have to go through this alone, they say she must be grateful for this little gift ofcourse she knows that, but she could have had them both, both baby and daddy here with her so why is it not so? So now she has to be grateful for her life, it is what it is. Her whole body feels sore, finally she is letting herself fall apart and deal with her grief.
Maybe this is so because today, two years ago was the last time she saw him, dressed in an olive green merch, boarding the boat to forever, now that she is dealing with it, she realised that that was the first time his departure felt wrong, it was the first time she almost cried saying goodbye, he promised to see her soon, how did soon become forever, how is that the next time she would see anything close to him, it will be in a box lying lifeless. This has got to stop but good thing she is finally dealing with her grief. What has she been doing all this while neglecting her grief at the same time as she has been neglecting her posture, now she has to deal with both at the same time. Such sweet love all gone up in flames and now she has to deal with the burn.
23/2/2019 forever in her heart and now in her life through their little human.